heart, body, and mind

"i cannot heave my heart into my mouth." - william shakespeare

if shakespeare has trouble with it, can you imagine how hard it must be for me? nonetheless, i am going to try...

a couple of events have transpired which have me thinking a lot about the heart, body, and mind. most recently, attended an exhibit called bodyworlds. i've heard a lot of people talk about the fact that it took them between 2 to 4 hours to make it through the exhibit. it took me 30 minutes. i was strapped for time, so i was a bit quicker than the average joe. i didn't get the chance to read all the explanations, or listen to the commentary. however, i did see enough to get the gears in my mind working. my thoughts have been very absorbed in the miraculous human body. what complex creatures we are. the exhibit was of cadavers and explantions of the human body. the cadavers were in all sorts of interesting positions - a ballerina, a hurdler, a javelin thrower, the progression of a fetus into a baby. it was really humbling to see the creation and complexity of these bodies of ours. i was in absolute awe as i looked and realized. it helped me to stop and recognize the miracle of the body my soul resides in. it compelled me to want to never complain about my body and it's shape and function again. there are so many complex things going on inside of me. there were a lot of displays of the heart. hence i was thinking a lot about the heart and it's function.

i also recently watched a movie about the heart - at least it was kind of about the heart. shadowlands was the name of the flick. it was a painful love story - the real life story of cs lewis. it was not the usual nauseating hollywood love story. it was realistic and it was tough. there were a few ideas from the movie that i've been pondering in my mind since i watched it. cs lewis didn't marry until much later in life. joy davidman, who plays his counter part had been married before and had a son from that marriage. her first husband had opened his heart and fallen in love with another woman. he was an alcoholic and abusive. so, we have somebody who struggled with opening up to love because he had never really allowed himself to open up to it. we also have a person who is afraid to love because she has loved and has been hurt by it. the idea that there is something scary and painful about each of these situatoins has been in the front of my mind. the ability to allow ourselves to feel emotion is a risk - emotion can be the most wonderful thing and the most awful thing. however, if we don't allow our hearts to open up and to feel, then our growth will be stunted.

there was another twist of irony in the story. cs lewis was badly hurt when he was a child. his mother passed away when he was about 8 or 9 years old. it was an extremely painful and difficult situation for him. he didn't have much interaction or support from his father during their time of loss. apparently that was not the role the father played. as the story proceeds, cs lewis falls in love with joy. she has cancer. knowing this, he still allows himself to open up to the emotion of love and both the peace and pain that comes with it. as the story progresses, joy passes away. at first, cs lewis doesn't interact with or help the son. he is absorbed in and dealing with his own pain and doesn't know what to do to help the boy. the irony being that cs lewis was once in the same situation as the young boy. it is often difficult to look past what we are feeling and open our hearts and eyes to others situations and needs. it took a little time, but cs lewis realized (with the help of his brother) that the little boy need emotional support and guidance. he opened up his heart and conversations to the boy. i am certain it was painful and difficult, but he know it needed to be done. lewis changed the cycle. he could have done just as his father did, but he broke the cycle. he made a situation better than it had the potential of being by learning from past experiences. i believe the major theme of the movie was that of the role that both pain and joy play in our lives. love opens us up to both these things. it is part of the deal. allowing ourselves to feel the pain, as well as the pleasure is a part of allowing our lives to be real...to be as it should be. the reality of mortality involves pain.

the heart, the body, the mind - all complex in their different forms, all capable of greatness.

disclaimer

to all who have read and will read my "14 long years..." post, please be aware - this short story was BASED on a true story. the actual story is accurate, however the comments under picture samples C and D could lead those who are unaware to believe, that "elder taylor" and i are "together". we are not. in fact, i hope he will still consider being my friend after reading the post...andrew?

14 long years...

most recently andrew taylor, his cousin - reggie, and i went hiking up big cottonwood canyon. when andrew's dad asked who i was, andrew said, "well dad, we've know each other for 14 long years..."


and so the story begins...


at age 14 i attended EFY. while there, i took many a picture with all the "cute" boys in my group. it was quite an interesting time of life. (take note of the first picture below.) it was a time of discovery, a time of awkwardness, and a time of little-to-no sense of fashion. while there, i met a young man named andrew taylor. apparently he didn't leave much of an impression on me. as we fast forward to my 21st year, take note, that i had no recollection of this young lad.


in the year of our Lord two thousand, i served a mission for the LDS church. hualien was the first area i was assigned to proselyte. hualien has been described as the hawaii of taiwan. it is a captivating place. i have fond memories and could bore you with countless explanations of street signs. mopeds, and noodle shops on the side of the road, but i'll spare you those details. however, i won't spare you the details of my lovely district in hualien. elder telford - a real life cowboy, elder kearl - a mad scientist genuis, elder carter - my district leader and "father", and elder taylor - a westpoint cadet, all served with sister allen - my texas trainer, and i. these elders were all a real pleasure to work with. district meetings were packed with lots of laughs, feelings of the spirit, and lunch at the fried rice stand near the church afterward. i enjoyed working with everyone in my district. the combination of jet lag, the inability to communicate, and a bout of homesickness did not stop me from relishing the time i served in hualien. i would like to say that i served with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. i don't know what others might say - but, this is my blog, so it doesn't really matter what they say, right?


after hualien, i was assigned to beitou, and then to taidong. taidong was also like paradise - surrounded by ocean and many other scenic hot spots. once again, i had the opportunity of serving with elder taylor. he was my zone leader in, what we all liked to call "the taidong love zone". let me clarify, lest you be confused, the taidong love zone was all about loving all those around us with Christ-like love and charity. (just wanted to make sure that was clear.) my relationship with elder taylor had come full circle - from the first of my mission, when he said he didn't know if i was going to make it the full 18 months because i looked so bad, to the end, after i had tried my hardest to serve the Lord in the way He wanted me to serve Him - and i probably looked worse than when i started. elder taylor was, as alma describes in chapter 17, "still my brother in the Lord". our missionary relationship had come full circle. what a special experience, to begin our missions together, and to end our missions together.


but wait, can you imagine my surprise once i returned home and found elder taylor's 14 year old picture in my EFY scrapbook with our arms around each other. i felt my mission had been tainted. i was barely able to shake his hand while in taiwan, let alone have my arm around him. what had we done? it just seemed so wrong; so wrong, but so right; so wrong, but really funny. of course i copied the picture and sent it to him with a well versed letter discussing the destiny (or yuan) that must have been involved in us meeting up again while on our missions. please take a look at the sample pictures below:

sample a:

attractive 14 year olds at EFY - he couldn't keep his hands off me...

sample b:

serving together in hualien, elder taylor in one corner and me in the other - so well behaved...

sample c:

"the taidong love zone". hmmm...looks like elder taylor has postioned himself rather close to me. can you say, "lock your heart, elder?"

sample d:

oh, here we are, after "14 long years". finally able to be back in each others arms.

and they lived happily ever after.

the end.

big brother

i sure love this one too...

holy cannoli

holy cannoli...

i'm a brunette!

i did two big things this week - made cannoli and changed my hair color. i think these are both small steps for me, and giant leaps for mankind. hmmm....or maybe not, but kind of a big deal in my little world. i've wanted to make cannoli for three years now. i had it at a great little mediterranean restaraunt at the wynn hotel in vegas. i really liked it. i thought to myself, someday i will create something like that. three years, numerous internet searches, countless phone calls to my mom for advice on the how-to of certain cooking techniques, and an hour and a half of stirring milk on the stove later i came up with the lovely creation above. i'll have to say, i was a little disappointed. maybe i had cannoli up on such a high pedestal, maybe i didn't have the best recipe, or maybe i just need to learn to be a better cook. it really could be any of these options. whatever it was, i learned something in the process - the taste of the dessert may not have been worth the hassle, however, the experience of learning was worth every second of stirring the milk.

now that other thing, not sure why i had jamie (my absolutely amazing friend since 7th grade and the ONLY person i have let cut and dye my hair in the past 8 years) change my hair color from blonde to brown. it could be that i was rejecting the comment of my mother a few years ago that "blondes are addicted to being blonde", it could be that i just needed a change in my life, it could be that i am starting to REALLY embrace the fact that my hair is actually naturally a lot darker than i think. i just don't know. whatever it be, i think that my change in haircolor counts as me being spontaneous this week. i'm pretty crazy, just livin' on the edge, flying by the seat of my pants...

new - the day

dun, dun, dun...the saga continues. new year's day i reverted back to a child again. exploring in an old cabin, eating pull-a-parts in the morning (i usually only get to enjoy the luxury of these things on easter and christmas!), and sledding two miles down the road back to our cars. i honestly felt like i reverted back 20 years as i raced down the road on my sled. what a dream come true! if i didn't think the day could get any better, it did...

family...isn't it about time? the only thing that had been missing about my "new" experience was my family. i had the luxury of spending time with the family. thanks, mom! you are the best. my mom is continually thinking of and planning fun things for us all to do together. with all of our different schedules and a plethera of personalities, she never gives up on us. (just for your information, i wore the brown hat and matching brown boots mom gave me for christmas, along with my "new" coat from the d.i. because my mom mentioned that she thought they would all match really well. it was a tribute of sorts, and, of course, mom noticed...) on new year's day we had a christmas miracle - the whole, entire, eight person family was able to spend at least 4 consecutive hours together. dinner and christmas lights at the ogden christmas village was the event at hand. i loved just soaking in the goodness of every single person there. i'd like to just give a quick shout out to dad, mom, ryan, rachel, lance, spencer, and jack - the people i love most and, might i take the liberty of saying, love me the most too.

new - the eve

a new year spent with a room full of strangers trying to make superficial conversation over loud music, and then on to the next party because this one wasn't the biggest and best and coolest. the thought of this annual event nauseated me. this year i rejected that loathing feeling. mother nature has been sending the blessing of snow to us - it has reminded me of winters as a child when the snow was deep and the air was crisp. it has reminded me of the walking to school knee deep in that white stuff, making it to the snowpile that magically appeared every year around the perimeter of the school, and playing a quick game of "king of bunker hill" before the bell rang for classes to start and then again on our trek back home. this kind of season is the kind to be celebrated, and celebrate we did. snowshoeing in the fresh night air up parley's canyon to grace's cabin, enjoying the crunch of the snow under our feet, feeling the warm of a scarf around my neck, gazing at the stars and the dark profile of the trees in the midnight sky all brought 2009 in the way i needed it to come. the origin of peace. the beginning of healing. the start of something that can't really be explained but can be felt. in a cabin in the cold night air these emotions, thoughts, and feelings began. they began because they could begin in the stillness of the winter night. the decision that i would not make resolutions this year, but i would resolve. my resolve is to make this year a year to take care of me - giving myself what i need so that i can give others what they need. a year of self evaluation and indulging in my thoughts. a year to really feel...